【完稿于2007年11月17日，伦敦。下文非全稿。】
曼哈顿永远有着一种戏剧性。当我在离开肯尼迪机场的的士上，即使沿路还只是贫淡无趣的皇后区，我能感觉到开幕前的那些兴奋，那些期待。我还记得曼哈顿。我记得它的热闹登场。我知道应该往哪个方向注视，帝国大厦，克莱斯勒大楼，它们有若女神花冠一般的光耀顶尖，将在天际线的何处出现。我熟谙它们出场的次序，它们如何利用布鲁克林大桥刚健的勒线隐现。两年了，它们，曼哈顿，还是有如一出常演不衰的百老汇音乐剧，每夜如样。我只是一个看客，一个被动的看客——我从未自行前来；皆是为稻粱谋。
但两年前我并非纯粹的看客——因为P，我曾在此间无意客串了一场。
这次来纽约之前不久，在网上偶尔看到一则新闻，说是下城的66餐厅，关门谢客了。让我隐约唏嘘了一下。那是做时尚餐厅出名的Jean-George，在此处处心经营的一所改良中国餐馆，以做高档西式餐厅的手段，内饰，菜肴设计和呈示，来做中国菜。让我想起餐厅吧台上写着中国字的红色飘帘，我当晚点的Halibut和盛装鱼的华美白瓷大碗。还有那天晚上我穿的黑白花的吊带裙，黑白几何图案的丝巾。还有P后来的评语。
我清楚记得几乎所有我们去过的地方。然而当时我似乎没有如此介意曼哈顿的不修饬：每条路都在修路，挖得坑坑洼洼；噪音日夜不息；楼宇，车辆，行人，皆痴傻粗大。因为不久前的sub prime mortgage金融危机，但凡交谈间，不时有人作末日论。2005年初春的一天，我饶有兴致地在中央公园瞎逛了一转，还沿哈德逊河直上哈林。这次我有天也在公园走了一遭，湖里死水的臭气把我熏得疾走。曼哈顿突然有一种蒙尘的感觉。虽然这只是日间的曼哈顿。
这次我去了不少之前P带我去过的地方。有时和同事一起去，例如到EN Japanese Brasserie，一坐下就点了我曾经为之绝倒的Green Tea & Vodka Martini。我奇迹般地记得我曾经喜爱的菜，他们的菜单，一切有如节日般归来。同事们深为赞叹，我竟然知道这样的好地方。我暗笑。有时我宁愿自己暗访这些秘密。例如Bloome Street上的Marie-Belle，一方做朱古力做得人神共泣的小店。店中一切如旧，皆是我印象中的模样——饰柜，展示的朱古力，甜品堂食的几张小桌。我隐约记得我们当时坐的位置，也许当日我点的还是同一款甜食：signature dessert, chocolate terrine with passion fruit essence, sprinkled with pistachio flakes。我买了一小盒共9枚朱古力。包装的淡蓝色小盒和P第一次送给我的并无二致，但他们在上面撒了几片玫瑰花瓣样子的装饰。许是P拿掉了那些，另买了一株花。那天P带我沿河走了下城的好些地方，我们还进了Styvesan高中转了一圈——我的朋友Kostas，现在正住在旁边河畔的一所公寓里。记忆就是这样联系起来的，并没有抗拒的余地。有一晚到Prince Street上的一个餐厅和Kostas，Kimmy还有他们的几个朋友进餐，途中便看到我和P去过的Blue Ribbons寿司馆，依旧窝在地下室，依旧人气极盛，想必那些海胆还是嫩艳依旧，还有那些我已经想不起名字的sake。不远处就是Cub Room，我们那夜先是在这里见面，晚饭后P想起他忘了一件什么东西，于是我们折回此处。现在这里跟两年前模样差不多，但路破得不行。靠近第六大道有一间饰品店我曾经喜欢得不得了，买了好几样东西，当时店员是一个极其甜美的金发女孩，系着白底黑花的头巾。我这次临走的时候专程去了一趟，看店的是一个痴肥愚顽的黑女生，说话不清不楚，所售也甚无惊喜。空手而回。
有一些地方我并没有去，例如我原来所住Chelsea附近的几处餐馆，包括我曾经最喜欢的Biltmore Room——Grilled Quail on a bed of Green Tea Risotto，一道毕生难忘的菜。那些大理石的墙，还有极其不舒服的沙发。还有Gascogne，在第八大道上的小bistro，内进有露天小花园。初夏一个晴好的晚上，P和我在那里进餐。后来在出租车上，他说了很多很认真的话；我当时没放在心上，也没想到这些话以后会变得有如诅咒一般无法散去。再后来，他哭了。
还有他在TriBeCa的loft。那天到Greenwich Street和Kostas等人进晚餐的路上，行经此处。他住的那整一层，灯光通亮，煞白得让人担心。
2007年的秋天，那些来自2005年夏天的情节开始发散而模糊，甚至开始显得不真实。那些场所，那些对话，笑貌，争吵，食品，酒，人——什么能证明他们曾经存在过呢？也许只是曼哈顿这个舞台，让他们显得比他们自身更加真实？离开曼哈顿，那些光影中的摩天大楼渐次淡去，想象中的幕布实实在在的落下，发出似有还无的簌的声音。
Showing posts with label Love Sex and the Frikkin Cities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Sex and the Frikkin Cities. Show all posts
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
【旧文】记一次春游
【完稿于2005年4月16日，曼哈顿】
纽约的阳光并不代表春天。我记得初到曼哈顿时的一个周末，走出残雪处处的Central Park，在阳光明耀的Madison Avenue上冷得半身麻木，狼狈不堪地冲进举目所见的第一间餐馆，Centolire。很好的意大利菜——这是曼哈顿最可喜处之一，随便冲进一家餐馆，都有好吃的。明黄的墙壁，中央有一株灿烂的桃花。令我想起之前去过的downtown McDougal Street上的一间法国餐馆；更让我想起小时家中迎春的桃花——当时正是春节前后。
征示春天的是曼哈顿满眼的绿草，水仙，和樱花，还有我的大衣——今天是我到纽约以来第一次无须披上大衣出门。当我从Upper East Side走进Central Park的时候，无数黄白相间的水仙蔓展在曲折起伏的亮绿坡地上，雪白和嫩粉的樱花半掩着暗色的亭阁；近处的小桥，园外的高楼，更远处的蓝天，现没在绿树的枝桠之间。这是真正带有暖意的阳光，我因而能够解下羊毛围巾，看着草地上笑闹的孩子，晒太阳的人们。想起去年在伦敦第一次感觉到春天的那天，从Victoria到Hyde Park，一路上有绿地的地方，就满展着享受着阳光的欢喜的身体。但是纽约春天的声息，毕竟和伦敦不一样。我怀疑，即使闭上眼，我也能分别这两个不同的春天；然而真要记下这两者的区别，却搜索不出任何词句——也许是“高楼”，但我所需要描述的区别，何止高楼。
我今天的目的地，并不是Central Park。尽管每次到Central Park，都有不同的景致，但它永远只是我计划路线中的中途站——它也许是曼哈顿最好的中途站。曼哈顿不像伦敦市中心，到处都是公园；除却正中央名正言顺的Central Park（由此可管窥曼哈顿街道命名的词语贫乏），地图上只有被挤压在纵横分明的道路网外的几片绿地。几天前不经意间听人提起Upper West Side位于Hudson河畔的Hudson River Park，忽然就有了去走走的想法。
Central Park两旁由东而西排列着纽约最名满天下、最活色生香的大道。从公园东侧Upper East Side的Lexington，Park，Madison，5th，到西侧Upper West Side的Central Park West，名声稍逊的Columbus，Amsterdam，还有斗胆斜穿曼哈顿的异类的Broadway。一路上，最明媚的都是樱花，从灿灿的白，到娇娇的红。转念间便想起鲁迅在《朝花夕拾》的《藤野先生》一篇中所述，东京的春天舒展在城市低空的如云的樱花。如云的樱花：这个比喻，不知怎的记得特别牢固。
Hudson River Park，其实就是地图上可怜兮兮呈香肠状的一块窄长的绿地，趴在Hudson河边。河的对岸，似乎便是New Jersey。纽约对于纽约以外的人们，无非就是曼哈顿；纽约对于纽约人，居所却大多在曼哈顿以外：Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn……甚至州界以外的New Jersey。住在曼哈顿的多是租住的过客，绝少听说哪个New Yorker就举家住在曼哈顿岛上。也许是我还没攀识到有本事在曼哈顿金贵的地皮上成家立室的New Yorker。附注：所谓New Yorker，仅限（部分）家庭成员都在纽约的人们；纽约客，纽约客，没有“世居纽约”这一回事。
纽约的公园和伦敦的公园的差异，部分地浓缩了纽约和伦敦，甚至和其他欧洲城市的差异。Arnoud曾经向我抱怨，他每天早上在Hyde Park跑步的时候，被公园旁Park Lane上车流的声响烦坏了，而且伦敦市中心的空气让他“根本无法呼吸”。这也许是鹿特丹和伦敦的区别。在纽约，虽然空气质量尚可令水鸟和鸽子生息，却也不时会让人灰头土脸。日夜不绝的市声，甚至和广州相当。在纽约街头拍照，永远无法拍到伦敦和欧洲城市街头令人绝息的美；尽管纽约对旧大陆城市的形神拷贝绵绵不绝，然则广厦宽街究竟滋生不出精致、雍容而略带慵懒和忧郁的气质。美国人对“量”有一种执着的痴迷，对城市的理解和处理也是粗笔重墨。华盛顿虽说由法国人设计，处处带着对巴黎模仿的痕迹，然而其粗大广阔以及缺乏细节，和巴黎明显不一样。纽约虽像旧世界的一片飞地，但这个城市毕竟属于车背上的民族，行人的空间被车道严重蚕食。这是我对纽约最大的不满之一。曼哈顿岛中心自不待言，沿河一周，虽说也有绿地（或说，绿带罢），也有河边的行人道，却环岛建了半高速路，车流便生生地刮穿了沿河的景观，也使得公园里嘈吵不堪。（可悲的是，广州的情况更要糟糕——不说也罢。）Hudson River Park也不例外。当然，铺展在沿河坡地上的花草还是热闹可爱的，沿路的樱树也繁花缤纷；尤其在北边的一段Cherry Walk，满眼的红粉绯绯，很是动人。周末的公园里游人甚众，跑步的，骑车的，遛狗的，打球的，发呆的，生相各异，倒也大致是嘴角上展的脸容。Hudson河上的水鸟三两相逐，流水匆匆，远远可眺见George Washington Bridge。桥附近停泊的一艘鲜红的船，尤为夺目。然而5米开外就是啸叫而过的群车。美国，美国。
Hudson河似乎比Thames要奔流迅速——我在downtown的岸边甚至看到河涛拍岸的动态，甚至闻到一股似是而非的盐腥；这让当时同行的希腊朋友高声大叫：“海的气息啊！”我知道，他想家了。
我也许也想家了。国外生活似乎更让我欣喜开怀，想家的念头并不经常让我感到酸楚，虽然我不时会被“那时只想着流浪的快乐远方的幸福决意一去不回，从来没有人告诉我想家的苦涩滋味”之类的字句击中打痛。只是，一些细节，一些气味，意象和声息，能把我马上牵回我记忆中的广州去。那是一个由想象和记忆重组的城市，在空间上仅限于布有我生活痕迹的那些点和线，在时间上压缩了我自幼而长的那许许多多年；这个仅存在于我脑海中的城市，和卡尔维诺笔下的迷失在雪中的城市性质相近，而和南中国那个真实的城市并没有太多关联——也许这些关联都在我成长和离开的过程中慢慢消失掉了。这个由我重构的城市，充满着南中国潮湿、懊热的气味，日夜不眠，操粤语的市声，恒河沙数的美食（以至我的舌头总是第一个想家）。湿冷渐而湿暖的面目可憎的春天，火蒸油滚的夏天，唯一让人敢于行于正午日下的舒适却短暂的秋天，还有模模糊糊的冬天。最重要的是，这个城市是由一条宽畅的河流定义的。
我所爱的城市多在河边。Thames蜿蜒而过伦敦，与广州的地理最为相仿；而纽约，我认识的纽约，或者说曼哈顿，根本就是一个岛。东边是East River（可叹美国的地名）和Harlem River，西边是Hudson River。一条大河两岸宽，它是一道流体，它是生动的，变异的，女性的；它指向远方，并促长对远方的想象和向往。我至今记得小时的一个梦，梦见我如常在珠江边玩耍的时候，忽然发现河对岸变出了一群西洋建筑，而一个没有根据的声音说，那里是英国。由于其怪异，一直留在我的记忆中。直至它变为事实，甚至我隐约觉得Thames在Westminster附近的Milkbank一段河岸，确实能看到相似的景象——自然，我的怪想而已。然而我每次到一个流淌有大河的城市，每次看到一条流经城市的大河，都不自主地想起生长在河边的我的城市，和我的有大河穿过的关于成长的记忆。从伦敦，到只是惊鸿一瞥的巴黎，到纽约。而纽约在我眼中，一端接着欧洲，一端却通往我的广州。嘈吵，纷乱，肮脏，拥挤，不漂亮。高楼林立。永远有工地在忙活着天知道什么鬼东西。马路想过就过，完全不须看交通灯——看也没用，因为车辆也是想过就过。商店里总在打折。食肆繁多，侍应殷勤。地铁里有中文指示。华埠的街道处处飘着烧腊和云吞面的香味（嗯……还有双皮奶，蛋达之类的好东西，还有小店卖汤煲、蒸笼一类的器具）。还有奔涌的大河里污浊的河水，河边或匆匆或悠悠的人们。
不过广州的春天从来是可恶的——可恶得我甚至不大愿意记得了，印象比较深刻的是有一年春天台海局势吃紧，有同学在教学楼楼梯拐角处总是罩着水汽的大镜上愤然大书：“打倒连战”（但是现在连先生不是要率领国军来破冰了么？）。而在地球的另一面，暮春四月，蓝天丽日，周六下午江风拂面的Hudson River Park是宜人的。不知不觉间，便轻步走过一个多小时，来到曼哈顿北端Harlem。实在看不出有什么可观的地方。想坐地铁到downtown，发现地铁站竟然是高架的，并且上行的电梯停掉了。暗骂一声，拾级而上。半空中所见的Harlem，也是平平。在地铁上，忽然想起New York Blues里面唱的：And I go uptown, downtown, east side, west side。
到downtown，是为了买TriBeCa电影节的观影票。TriBeCa电影节每年一遇，在downtown的TriBeCa区举办。所谓TriBeCa，就是Triangle Below Canal Street——顾名思义，Canal Street以南（即以下）一片三角状的区域。实在无法再忍受探究曼哈顿地名来源的无趣了。
出了地铁，沿Greenwich Street北上。Downtown是一个生活气息极其丰满的地方，其丰富程度难以言表，因而在此按下不表。黄昏的街道上人并不多，大概因为是周末，昼伏夜出的城市动物们还未苏醒的缘故。东张西望地走到票房，却发现已经早早关门，旁边的瑜珈学校大门上有一贴曰：此处非票房。恐怕是给烦急了。
一转身，又看到两个街区外漏出的河上仍然高挂的纽约春天的夕阳。又走到河岸，悠悠走了一段，心里轻松愉快的不行。回家热了昨天在公寓对面第七大道上一间中餐快餐馆买的没吃完的剩菜和自行烹制的白米饭。到国外之后吃中餐并不多，皆因自己口味给乡人和家人的美食娇宠坏了，对粤菜尤其挑剔，而番邦的出品每每让我不满。在同事三番数次的推荐下，昨天终于买了一份白菜牛肉。骗人的鬼东西。杂七杂八的碎菜，一片白菜的绿叶都没有。再也不帮衬了。
纽约的阳光并不代表春天。我记得初到曼哈顿时的一个周末，走出残雪处处的Central Park，在阳光明耀的Madison Avenue上冷得半身麻木，狼狈不堪地冲进举目所见的第一间餐馆，Centolire。很好的意大利菜——这是曼哈顿最可喜处之一，随便冲进一家餐馆，都有好吃的。明黄的墙壁，中央有一株灿烂的桃花。令我想起之前去过的downtown McDougal Street上的一间法国餐馆；更让我想起小时家中迎春的桃花——当时正是春节前后。
征示春天的是曼哈顿满眼的绿草，水仙，和樱花，还有我的大衣——今天是我到纽约以来第一次无须披上大衣出门。当我从Upper East Side走进Central Park的时候，无数黄白相间的水仙蔓展在曲折起伏的亮绿坡地上，雪白和嫩粉的樱花半掩着暗色的亭阁；近处的小桥，园外的高楼，更远处的蓝天，现没在绿树的枝桠之间。这是真正带有暖意的阳光，我因而能够解下羊毛围巾，看着草地上笑闹的孩子，晒太阳的人们。想起去年在伦敦第一次感觉到春天的那天，从Victoria到Hyde Park，一路上有绿地的地方，就满展着享受着阳光的欢喜的身体。但是纽约春天的声息，毕竟和伦敦不一样。我怀疑，即使闭上眼，我也能分别这两个不同的春天；然而真要记下这两者的区别，却搜索不出任何词句——也许是“高楼”，但我所需要描述的区别，何止高楼。
我今天的目的地，并不是Central Park。尽管每次到Central Park，都有不同的景致，但它永远只是我计划路线中的中途站——它也许是曼哈顿最好的中途站。曼哈顿不像伦敦市中心，到处都是公园；除却正中央名正言顺的Central Park（由此可管窥曼哈顿街道命名的词语贫乏），地图上只有被挤压在纵横分明的道路网外的几片绿地。几天前不经意间听人提起Upper West Side位于Hudson河畔的Hudson River Park，忽然就有了去走走的想法。
Central Park两旁由东而西排列着纽约最名满天下、最活色生香的大道。从公园东侧Upper East Side的Lexington，Park，Madison，5th，到西侧Upper West Side的Central Park West，名声稍逊的Columbus，Amsterdam，还有斗胆斜穿曼哈顿的异类的Broadway。一路上，最明媚的都是樱花，从灿灿的白，到娇娇的红。转念间便想起鲁迅在《朝花夕拾》的《藤野先生》一篇中所述，东京的春天舒展在城市低空的如云的樱花。如云的樱花：这个比喻，不知怎的记得特别牢固。
Hudson River Park，其实就是地图上可怜兮兮呈香肠状的一块窄长的绿地，趴在Hudson河边。河的对岸，似乎便是New Jersey。纽约对于纽约以外的人们，无非就是曼哈顿；纽约对于纽约人，居所却大多在曼哈顿以外：Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn……甚至州界以外的New Jersey。住在曼哈顿的多是租住的过客，绝少听说哪个New Yorker就举家住在曼哈顿岛上。也许是我还没攀识到有本事在曼哈顿金贵的地皮上成家立室的New Yorker。附注：所谓New Yorker，仅限（部分）家庭成员都在纽约的人们；纽约客，纽约客，没有“世居纽约”这一回事。
纽约的公园和伦敦的公园的差异，部分地浓缩了纽约和伦敦，甚至和其他欧洲城市的差异。Arnoud曾经向我抱怨，他每天早上在Hyde Park跑步的时候，被公园旁Park Lane上车流的声响烦坏了，而且伦敦市中心的空气让他“根本无法呼吸”。这也许是鹿特丹和伦敦的区别。在纽约，虽然空气质量尚可令水鸟和鸽子生息，却也不时会让人灰头土脸。日夜不绝的市声，甚至和广州相当。在纽约街头拍照，永远无法拍到伦敦和欧洲城市街头令人绝息的美；尽管纽约对旧大陆城市的形神拷贝绵绵不绝，然则广厦宽街究竟滋生不出精致、雍容而略带慵懒和忧郁的气质。美国人对“量”有一种执着的痴迷，对城市的理解和处理也是粗笔重墨。华盛顿虽说由法国人设计，处处带着对巴黎模仿的痕迹，然而其粗大广阔以及缺乏细节，和巴黎明显不一样。纽约虽像旧世界的一片飞地，但这个城市毕竟属于车背上的民族，行人的空间被车道严重蚕食。这是我对纽约最大的不满之一。曼哈顿岛中心自不待言，沿河一周，虽说也有绿地（或说，绿带罢），也有河边的行人道，却环岛建了半高速路，车流便生生地刮穿了沿河的景观，也使得公园里嘈吵不堪。（可悲的是，广州的情况更要糟糕——不说也罢。）Hudson River Park也不例外。当然，铺展在沿河坡地上的花草还是热闹可爱的，沿路的樱树也繁花缤纷；尤其在北边的一段Cherry Walk，满眼的红粉绯绯，很是动人。周末的公园里游人甚众，跑步的，骑车的，遛狗的，打球的，发呆的，生相各异，倒也大致是嘴角上展的脸容。Hudson河上的水鸟三两相逐，流水匆匆，远远可眺见George Washington Bridge。桥附近停泊的一艘鲜红的船，尤为夺目。然而5米开外就是啸叫而过的群车。美国，美国。
Hudson河似乎比Thames要奔流迅速——我在downtown的岸边甚至看到河涛拍岸的动态，甚至闻到一股似是而非的盐腥；这让当时同行的希腊朋友高声大叫：“海的气息啊！”我知道，他想家了。
我也许也想家了。国外生活似乎更让我欣喜开怀，想家的念头并不经常让我感到酸楚，虽然我不时会被“那时只想着流浪的快乐远方的幸福决意一去不回，从来没有人告诉我想家的苦涩滋味”之类的字句击中打痛。只是，一些细节，一些气味，意象和声息，能把我马上牵回我记忆中的广州去。那是一个由想象和记忆重组的城市，在空间上仅限于布有我生活痕迹的那些点和线，在时间上压缩了我自幼而长的那许许多多年；这个仅存在于我脑海中的城市，和卡尔维诺笔下的迷失在雪中的城市性质相近，而和南中国那个真实的城市并没有太多关联——也许这些关联都在我成长和离开的过程中慢慢消失掉了。这个由我重构的城市，充满着南中国潮湿、懊热的气味，日夜不眠，操粤语的市声，恒河沙数的美食（以至我的舌头总是第一个想家）。湿冷渐而湿暖的面目可憎的春天，火蒸油滚的夏天，唯一让人敢于行于正午日下的舒适却短暂的秋天，还有模模糊糊的冬天。最重要的是，这个城市是由一条宽畅的河流定义的。
我所爱的城市多在河边。Thames蜿蜒而过伦敦，与广州的地理最为相仿；而纽约，我认识的纽约，或者说曼哈顿，根本就是一个岛。东边是East River（可叹美国的地名）和Harlem River，西边是Hudson River。一条大河两岸宽，它是一道流体，它是生动的，变异的，女性的；它指向远方，并促长对远方的想象和向往。我至今记得小时的一个梦，梦见我如常在珠江边玩耍的时候，忽然发现河对岸变出了一群西洋建筑，而一个没有根据的声音说，那里是英国。由于其怪异，一直留在我的记忆中。直至它变为事实，甚至我隐约觉得Thames在Westminster附近的Milkbank一段河岸，确实能看到相似的景象——自然，我的怪想而已。然而我每次到一个流淌有大河的城市，每次看到一条流经城市的大河，都不自主地想起生长在河边的我的城市，和我的有大河穿过的关于成长的记忆。从伦敦，到只是惊鸿一瞥的巴黎，到纽约。而纽约在我眼中，一端接着欧洲，一端却通往我的广州。嘈吵，纷乱，肮脏，拥挤，不漂亮。高楼林立。永远有工地在忙活着天知道什么鬼东西。马路想过就过，完全不须看交通灯——看也没用，因为车辆也是想过就过。商店里总在打折。食肆繁多，侍应殷勤。地铁里有中文指示。华埠的街道处处飘着烧腊和云吞面的香味（嗯……还有双皮奶，蛋达之类的好东西，还有小店卖汤煲、蒸笼一类的器具）。还有奔涌的大河里污浊的河水，河边或匆匆或悠悠的人们。
不过广州的春天从来是可恶的——可恶得我甚至不大愿意记得了，印象比较深刻的是有一年春天台海局势吃紧，有同学在教学楼楼梯拐角处总是罩着水汽的大镜上愤然大书：“打倒连战”（但是现在连先生不是要率领国军来破冰了么？）。而在地球的另一面，暮春四月，蓝天丽日，周六下午江风拂面的Hudson River Park是宜人的。不知不觉间，便轻步走过一个多小时，来到曼哈顿北端Harlem。实在看不出有什么可观的地方。想坐地铁到downtown，发现地铁站竟然是高架的，并且上行的电梯停掉了。暗骂一声，拾级而上。半空中所见的Harlem，也是平平。在地铁上，忽然想起New York Blues里面唱的：And I go uptown, downtown, east side, west side。
到downtown，是为了买TriBeCa电影节的观影票。TriBeCa电影节每年一遇，在downtown的TriBeCa区举办。所谓TriBeCa，就是Triangle Below Canal Street——顾名思义，Canal Street以南（即以下）一片三角状的区域。实在无法再忍受探究曼哈顿地名来源的无趣了。
出了地铁，沿Greenwich Street北上。Downtown是一个生活气息极其丰满的地方，其丰富程度难以言表，因而在此按下不表。黄昏的街道上人并不多，大概因为是周末，昼伏夜出的城市动物们还未苏醒的缘故。东张西望地走到票房，却发现已经早早关门，旁边的瑜珈学校大门上有一贴曰：此处非票房。恐怕是给烦急了。
一转身，又看到两个街区外漏出的河上仍然高挂的纽约春天的夕阳。又走到河岸，悠悠走了一段，心里轻松愉快的不行。回家热了昨天在公寓对面第七大道上一间中餐快餐馆买的没吃完的剩菜和自行烹制的白米饭。到国外之后吃中餐并不多，皆因自己口味给乡人和家人的美食娇宠坏了，对粤菜尤其挑剔，而番邦的出品每每让我不满。在同事三番数次的推荐下，昨天终于买了一份白菜牛肉。骗人的鬼东西。杂七杂八的碎菜，一片白菜的绿叶都没有。再也不帮衬了。
Monday, 23 June 2008
SATC
前几天和单位的几个女同志一起去看Sex and the City。怎么说呢，都是不大可能成为朋友的同事。一群衣貌朴素而心态狡黠的理工科女博士。
还是说说电影本身吧。一如以往，华衣美服，钟鸣鼎食，纸醉金迷，红尘妖雾。故事还是有不少细节令人很有共鸣的。最喜欢的是，剧中女流均年逾四旬，而风光风流不减；可见青春其实是一种心态。皱纹、斑点嘛，涂点脂粉，大不了弄个botox就是了。还有一处，Carrie说Big你好坏耶不给我写情书耶；后来Big给她发了N封冗长电邮，内容为名人情信电子版，最后第N＋1封是原创，合共两句话。当时我想，哈，那时候Paul给我写的长篇电邮都是精彩原创啵！他是挺有文采的，行文酣畅，而带有一种老派的幽默。最重要的是，现在想来这些基本都是真心拳拳的（我可不敢说全部；这年头，谁信谁呢，说到底他也不是好鸟）。可惜那时候先是对他不感冒，后来脸都撕破了，为求解脱把他的所有电子墨宝都永久删除了。现在轻舟已过万重山的时候看看，有点可惜；这些文字，也可以是自恋的材料嘛！哈哈，都没所谓了。
走出影院的时候，周围的办公楼灯火通明。想起那年有一次和Arnoud到同一个地方听音乐会，散场后走在路上，他对着华灯感叹说：这些人这么晚还在卖命，这楼里一定是银行啊！要是所有人都像这些银行里的人那么勤奋，欧洲经济就少了很多问题了。哎，他就是这样宏大叙事，即使我们单独在一起的时候，还是政治啊经济啊金融啊社会啊宗教啊，我唯有默默的色心蠢动。呵呵，现在想来这种一本正经实在有点闷，不过此时彼时，不一样啦。
穿过City的办公区，街上空空荡荡，却灯光灿灿，像鬼域一样。快到地铁站，一对酣醉的少男少女在拌嘴。车站里面，一个歌手在唱Radiohead在OKComputer里的一首歌，歌名我忘了。这小同志也许累了，也许醉了，反正唱得有气无力，却一直坚持。挣个钱真不容易。
最近终于买了房子，现在刚开始走法律程序，办理贷款等，计划8月前入伙。有房子的女人有力量！
还是说说电影本身吧。一如以往，华衣美服，钟鸣鼎食，纸醉金迷，红尘妖雾。故事还是有不少细节令人很有共鸣的。最喜欢的是，剧中女流均年逾四旬，而风光风流不减；可见青春其实是一种心态。皱纹、斑点嘛，涂点脂粉，大不了弄个botox就是了。还有一处，Carrie说Big你好坏耶不给我写情书耶；后来Big给她发了N封冗长电邮，内容为名人情信电子版，最后第N＋1封是原创，合共两句话。当时我想，哈，那时候Paul给我写的长篇电邮都是精彩原创啵！他是挺有文采的，行文酣畅，而带有一种老派的幽默。最重要的是，现在想来这些基本都是真心拳拳的（我可不敢说全部；这年头，谁信谁呢，说到底他也不是好鸟）。可惜那时候先是对他不感冒，后来脸都撕破了，为求解脱把他的所有电子墨宝都永久删除了。现在轻舟已过万重山的时候看看，有点可惜；这些文字，也可以是自恋的材料嘛！哈哈，都没所谓了。
走出影院的时候，周围的办公楼灯火通明。想起那年有一次和Arnoud到同一个地方听音乐会，散场后走在路上，他对着华灯感叹说：这些人这么晚还在卖命，这楼里一定是银行啊！要是所有人都像这些银行里的人那么勤奋，欧洲经济就少了很多问题了。哎，他就是这样宏大叙事，即使我们单独在一起的时候，还是政治啊经济啊金融啊社会啊宗教啊，我唯有默默的色心蠢动。呵呵，现在想来这种一本正经实在有点闷，不过此时彼时，不一样啦。
穿过City的办公区，街上空空荡荡，却灯光灿灿，像鬼域一样。快到地铁站，一对酣醉的少男少女在拌嘴。车站里面，一个歌手在唱Radiohead在OKComputer里的一首歌，歌名我忘了。这小同志也许累了，也许醉了，反正唱得有气无力，却一直坚持。挣个钱真不容易。
最近终于买了房子，现在刚开始走法律程序，办理贷款等，计划8月前入伙。有房子的女人有力量！
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
And His Letters Grew Colder
This is a newly discovered short story by Daphne du Murier, a British novelist most famous for the novel Rebecca. The story is believed to have been written during her early 20s, and many a critic is amazed by the cold, mistrust and infidelity described by a young girl.
Or only a young girl has the chance to such encounters, and thus the insights? He meets you in the least expected circumstances, sings you the lovely praises and remembers every little thing you say. You are almost taken aback by the impossible frequency of "I love you" messages, albeit flattered. In the most insane hour of the day, he send you this: "Do you love me?" Then the change in his tone with the passing of the seasons - in fact, months.
And you grow up, years wiser than 10 months ago.
This sends shrivers down my spine.
The following is from The Times' website.
And His Letters Grew Colder
Daphne du Maurier
Dear Mrs B:
Forgive me writing to you like this without the slightest introduction.The fact is, I know your brother out in China, and having successfully wangled six months’ furlough, arriving in England a few days ago, I am seizing this opportunity to tell you how very pleased I should be if you would let me look you up sometime and give you news of Charlie. He is extremely fit, and sends you many messages, of course.
Please excuse me for blundering in upon you in this abrupt manner. I am,
Yours sincerely,
X.Y.Z.
June the fourth
Dear Mrs B:
I shall be delighted to come to your cocktail party on Friday. It is very charming of you to ask me.
Yours sincerely,
X.Y.Z.
June the seventh
Dear Mrs B:
I cannot let the day pass without telling you how much I enjoyed your party yesterday, and the very great pleasure I had in meeting you. I must have appeared horribly gauche and awkward, for I am afraid three years in China have played the deuce with my manners and my conversation! You were so sweet and kind to me, and I am certain I babbled a great deal of incoherent nonsense.
It is a little bewildering to find oneself back in civilization, and in the company of a woman of your beauty and intelligence. Now I have said too much! Do you really mean I may come to see you again soon?
Yours very sincerely,
X.Y.Z.
June the tenth
Dear Mrs B:
I shall certainly accept your invitation to dine this evening. Will you excuse my poor bridge?
Yours,
X.Y.Z.
June the twelfth
Dear Mrs B:
I have taken you at your word and have secured a couple of seats for that revue you wanted to see.
You won’t break your promise about coming, will you?
If you care about it, we might go on to supper somewhere afterwards and dance.
X.Y.Z.
June the fourteenth
Dear A,
Do you really mean I may call you A? And did you mean one or two other things you said last night? Whether you meant them or not, I want to thank you for a marvellous evening. I was so happy, I don’t believe I ever apologized for my atrocious dancing! Thank you.
X
June the seventeenth
Dear A,
Sorry! I know I behaved like a bear on the telephone, but I was so wretchedly disappointed that you could not manage to come out, after all. Will you ever forgive me? Of course I understand. May I come round some time tomorrow?
X
June the nineteenth
I’m glad you put me off that evening, because if you hadn’t rung me up to tell me so, and if I hadn’t been rude over the telephone, then I should never have come round to see you this afternoon.
Why were you so wonderful to me? Perhaps you were merely taking pity on a poor dull dog arrived from the ends of the earth! I don’t think ever in my life I have been able to talk to anyone as I have to you.
You made me feel as though things really are worth while; that there is more to look forward to in life than a dreary plantation surrounded by coolies. D’you know, I’ll make a confession to you. Out in China I used to go to Charlie’s place merely to look at the photograph of you that he had hanging over his desk.
In a way, I believe I idolized it; I could not believe that there really existed anyone so lovely. And then, when I came over here and knew I was going to meet you for the first time, I felt as nervous and shy as any schoolboy?
When I saw you – well, I could go on for pages and pages just describing how you looked and what I felt. But what’s the use? You would probably throw it unread into the wastepaper basket, and who would blame you!? You must be sick and tired of all the men who tell you you are beautiful. Can we be friends, though — real friends?
X
June the twenty-second
My dear,
I explained myself badly on the telephone this morning. I called round at once after you rang off, but your maid told me you had already gone out? You did not understand what I meant about this evening. It’s only that it’s so marvellous talking to you that I feel as though the hours were somehow wasted by going to a theatre! Yes, I agree; I am idiotic and unreasonable. Somehow, I had imagined us dining somewhere quietly in Soho — and then perhaps going back to your house. But of course I will do anything you want.
Incidentally, I forgot to tell you that I am moving from this hotel. The service is bad and there seems to be no privacy. I’m thinking of taking a furnished apartment. But we will talk about that this evening.You aren’t angry with me, are you?
X
June the twenty-third
A,
What am I to say? What can you think of me?
I am so desperately ashamed of myself. No; there is no excuse, of course. I must have been mad? I never went back to the hotel after I left you. I’ve been walking about all night, miserable and out of my mind.
It is impossible for you to imagine my agony of reproach. I don’t know if for one moment you can understand what it means for someone who has spent three lonely, uncivilized years, living like a savage among other savages, to find himself all at once treated as a human being by a lovely and adorable woman like yourself. It proved too much for me — too intoxicating.
Yes, I lost my head; I behaved as I should never dreamed it possible that I could behave. Can’t you see how difficult you made it for me? No; how should you? You were gentle; you were wonderful; you were you. I am to blame entirely. I will do any mortal thing if only you will try to forget what I said.
I swear to you solemnly by all I hold most dear that I will never make love to you again. Never? never?
We will start once more at the beginning. My dear, I want to be your friend: somebody you feel you can trust; someone with whom you can relax?
Words? words? How can I explain? A, is there a chance of my being forgiven? A word from you will rouse me from my present depths of desolation. I shall be waiting all day, in case. Forgive me.
X
June the twenty-fifth
When I heard your voice on the telephone, I trembled so that I could hardly answer! Absurd, isn’t it? But none of that matters now. The only thing that matters is that you have forgiven me, and we are friends again. It is all right, isn’t it? We are friends, aren’t we? Yes; let’s drive into the country tomorrow to some little place miles from anywhere, and talk and talk. I have so much to tell you.
Bless you,
X
June the twenty-seventh
A, here are some flowers for you in memory of yesterday. I wonder if you have the remotest idea of what the day meant to me! You said you loved it too. Did you? I can’t forget that little inn by the side of the water, and how we sat there dreaming. I’m so glad the country appeals to you as it does to me. You know, we think alike in most things. In some ways, my dear, your brain is most extraordinarily like that of a man. You see straight; you don’t muddle your ideas — and you have such a sense of values. And then on the other hand, you are perhaps the most feminine person imaginable.
I have taken the apartment I told you about. The sitting room wants only one thing now — your photograph?
Yes, I’ll call for you this evening at ten, and we’ll go some place and dance. It will be perfect, of course.
Wear your green dress, will you? I saw some beads exactly that colour. May I bring them for you?
X
July the first
A, darling, it’s no good, I couldn’t help myself. You looked so lovely. I’m not made of iron, but flesh and blood. What am I going to do about it? I value your friendship more than anything in the world, but why aren’t you old and ugly? It would be so much easier for me. You like me a little bit, don’t you? Or don’t you? I don’t know what I’m writing. When am I going to see you?
X
July the fifth
My darling, you made me so absurdly happy last night. I can’t believe they are true — the things you said. You told me you liked orchids. Here are all the orchids I could find.
I’ll rob every hothouse in England if you want me to. I’ll do anything you want, give you anything you want — if only you’ll let me see you every day.
I won’t ask for much in return — just to be allowed to sit at your feet and worship. Nothing more than that.
You’re lovely, lovely, lovely.
X
July the seventh
I can’t exist like this. I tell you it’s impossible. You’re driving me insane. You let me see you, and then you expect me to stand like a dummy without senses.
I’ve been at the telephone all day and have had no answer from you. Where were you and whom were you with?
Oh! Yes, laugh at me, I don’t care. Of course, I agree I have no right to ask you questions? When you laugh like that I want to strangle you — then I want to love you.
I must see you.
X
July the eighth
3 A.M.
Beloved,
It’s absurd to write to you, isn’t it, after this evening? The room is full of you still. I can’t think of anything else. I know now that I have been waiting all my life for this. Sleep well. God bless you. Take care of yourself.
Do you love me?
X
July the ninth
Sweet,
Of course it’s all right. Expecting you this afternoon between five and six.
X
July the tenth
My darling,
No: come tomorrow. You must, you must! I can’t wait for you until Saturday, not after yesterday.
Couldn’t we possibly lunch somewhere first, and then come back here afterwards?
Please! I love you so much.
X
July the fifteenth
Beloved,
Your maid answered the telephone this morning when you were out, so I disguised my voice and gave another name. Couldn’t we go out into the country? You remember that little place we went to in June, by the water? Then after luncheon we could stroll in those woods? They look very lonely and deserted.
Say yes, will you??
Your
X
July the nineteenth
What about four o’clock?
X
July the twentieth
My dearest,
I think we had better go to the other place, it’s quieter. Besides, there are two entrances. What bad luck, your knowing the fellow who lives here in the same block! We’ll have to be careful.
X
July the twenty-first
Angel,
Very well; I’ll pick you up tomorrow outside your club. Leave the car parked outside with the hood up, and I’ll sit inside and wait for you. I suggest we go to the country again. There’s less chance of running across anyone.
By the way, I’ve found out that the fellow you know is out all day, doesn’t get back until the evening, so we needn’t worry about him when we’re at the apartment.
I don’t know how to wait until tomorrow.
You know that question you asked me? The answer is Yes — a thousand times!
You are adorable!
X
July the twenty-fifth
Yes, I know I was nervy and irritable today. You must forgive me. But seeing you as I do, at odd hours, makes me dissatisfied. I don’t know. It’s as though I wanted to be with you all the time. Couldn’t we go away somewhere, for the weekend? Some place where we could be by ourselves. We would be very careful; no one need ever find out. What do you think, my sweet?
Your
X
July the twenty-seventh
Angel,
But you are marvellous! What a brilliant idea! I should never have thought of a sick friend in Devonshire! Yes; you can rely on me to be discreet. I’ll be at Paddington at a quarter to eleven.
X
August the fifth
My beloved Sweet,
I haven’t dared ring you up in case it should seem odd. These few days with you have been so marvellous, so utterly unspeakable. Darling, I don’t know how I am going to go on as we did before.
Those wretched, hurried meetings after the hours we spent together. I’m so happy and so miserable. I’ll wait at the apartment all day in case you should come.
Your own
X
August the seventh
Yesterday was heaven. What time tomorrow? I think the afternoons are safest.
X
August the twelfth
Dearest,
What about suggesting your idea and seeing how it is taken? After all, if you are in the habit of going to Aix every year for this cure, why should it look strange suddenly? You can say you are tired of Aix itself and have heard of a smaller place just as good but not nearly so expensive. That is sure to go well! You see, sweet, I could go out there about the nineteenth and you could join me a few days later? Anyway, there’s no harm in trying, and you can tell me tomorrow what happened.
See you after seven.
X
August the fourteenth
My own,
To think that it will really come true — that we shall be together night and day for three weeks, perhaps a month. It’s too wonderful, my precious; it’s like a dream out of which one will be wakened suddenly.
Tell me you are happy, too. Hours and hours of each other, and nothing to separate us. I’m never going to stop loving you for one single instant.
Your very own,
X
August the twentieth
I’m just off, sweet. I’m so excited! Three days of agony until you follow me South — and then?
X
September the twenty-sixth
Darling,
I arrived back in town about two hours ago. I can scarcely believe we’ve been away a month? Thank you for your sweet letter? When am I going to see you?
X
September the twenty-ninth
My darling,
It was lovely being with you all yesterday. It was almost as though we were down in the South again. And the little inn by the river was just the same as ever, wasn’t it?
Now, dearest, about our seeing each other. We must be terribly careful because if our names get coupled and people start talking, and it all came out about our being away together — well, you can imagine what would happen. We had better go very slowly at first. You do understand, don’t you? It’s all for your sake.
X
October the fourth
Yes darling, come along if you like between six and seven, but do remember not to bring the car. Sorry about not having telephoned. I thought it safer.
X
October the ninth
Dearest,
Wouldn’t you rather do a theatre and dance afterwards than spend the evening here? I mean, there’s always the chance of your being seen.
I’ve heard the new Wallace play is a thrill. What do you say? Let me know so that I can get seats.
X
October the twelfth
Sweetheart,
You mustn’t be so unreasonable. You don’t seem to understand what the consequences would be if we were found out. I’ve thought it all over very carefully from every angle, and it would be hopeless — quite hopeless?
You know I want to see you as much as you want to see me, but it’s no use running into danger. You were in a difficult mood yesterday, and deliberately misunderstood every word I said. I don’t mean to be hard, but you do see, don’t you? Come for luncheon tomorrow and we’ll talk?
All love,
X
October the sixteenth
Sorry, darling, I was out when you telephoned, and didn’t get back till late, so couldn’t ring you. Was your message for dinner on Thursday? I can’t manage Thursday, darling. What about Friday afternoon? We might go to a picture. Do remember to ring me up from your club and not from your house. Servants might be listening. Haven’t you any sense of discretion? See you soon.
X
October the twenty-fourth
Darling,
Don’t you realize it would be madness to go away for the week-end? Surely we’ve been over that question time and time again. We’ve only to take a wrong turn and the whole affair is broadcast to the world. To say we did so in July is no answer to the present argument.
It’s absurd to say I’m different. I’m just the same as ever. I wish you wouldn’t be so feminine and unreasonable. You don’t see straight at all, darling.
By the way, the price they asked for that necklace was sheer robbery. Perhaps we can find something else. I’ll ring you up at the end of the week.
X
October the twenty-ninth
Isn’t it rather cold for the country? Let’s have luncheon Saturday instead.
X
October the thirty-first
Here are some chrysanthemums for you. Of course I love you. But you mustn’t behave in that absurd way again, darling, or I shall be very angry. I can’t bear scenes. See you Monday.
X
November the fifth
Darling,
I’m afraid this week is very difficult. I’ve got loads of things that must be done. I might be able to snatch an hour on Thursday. Keep the afternoon free.
In haste,
X
November the ninth
My dear,
Why must you spoil everything? I was perfectly ready to enjoy our afternoon together, and you needs must cross-question me as though you expected every word I said to be a lie? What’s to be the outcome of it? Is it always to be this incessant quarrelling whenever we meet? It looks that way, doesn’t it? And why this new thing of jealousy? It’s ridiculous and nerve-wracking. Can’t we be friends without all this nonsense?
X
November the thirteenth
All right. Wednesday at one. But don’t come to the apartment. I’ll meet you at the Savoy.
X
November the sixteenth
Just a line to say I can’t manage tomorrow night, after all. So sorry not to let you know before. Will ring the club tomorrow.
X
November the eighteenth
A, dear,
I should be glad if you would cease spying on my movements. If I chose to spend the evening talking business with a friend it’s my affair entirely. Remember this once and for all. Aren’t you making yourself slightly ridiculous?
Yours,
X
November the twentieth
My dear A,
I received your extremely incoherent message on the telephone but scarcely know what it is all about. I accept your apologies, but need we go into that?
About seeing you — I can’t definitely say when. I have so many things to see to. I will try to let you know.
X
November the twenty-fourth
Dear A,
How ridiculous you are! As if I should disguise my voice on the telephone. It was the servant who answered. I was out all day. No, I’m afraid I shan’t be able to see you this evening. I’ll let you know when I can.
X
November the twenty-seventh
Dear A,
Why not be frank with yourself and admit that it isn’t because you have messages to send to Charles that you want to see me? I know only too well that it will mean another scene of reproach, more tears, more nerves.
I’ve had enough. Can’t you realize that it’s finished?
I shan’t be able to breathe until I get out of this over-civilized, oversexed country, back to the peace and security of my plantation. Now you know the truth.
Good-by.
X
Telephone message sent December first to Mrs B:
'Mr X.Y.Z. sailed for China today.'
Or only a young girl has the chance to such encounters, and thus the insights? He meets you in the least expected circumstances, sings you the lovely praises and remembers every little thing you say. You are almost taken aback by the impossible frequency of "I love you" messages, albeit flattered. In the most insane hour of the day, he send you this: "Do you love me?" Then the change in his tone with the passing of the seasons - in fact, months.
And you grow up, years wiser than 10 months ago.
This sends shrivers down my spine.
The following is from The Times' website.
And His Letters Grew Colder
Daphne du Maurier
Dear Mrs B:
Forgive me writing to you like this without the slightest introduction.The fact is, I know your brother out in China, and having successfully wangled six months’ furlough, arriving in England a few days ago, I am seizing this opportunity to tell you how very pleased I should be if you would let me look you up sometime and give you news of Charlie. He is extremely fit, and sends you many messages, of course.
Please excuse me for blundering in upon you in this abrupt manner. I am,
Yours sincerely,
X.Y.Z.
June the fourth
Dear Mrs B:
I shall be delighted to come to your cocktail party on Friday. It is very charming of you to ask me.
Yours sincerely,
X.Y.Z.
June the seventh
Dear Mrs B:
I cannot let the day pass without telling you how much I enjoyed your party yesterday, and the very great pleasure I had in meeting you. I must have appeared horribly gauche and awkward, for I am afraid three years in China have played the deuce with my manners and my conversation! You were so sweet and kind to me, and I am certain I babbled a great deal of incoherent nonsense.
It is a little bewildering to find oneself back in civilization, and in the company of a woman of your beauty and intelligence. Now I have said too much! Do you really mean I may come to see you again soon?
Yours very sincerely,
X.Y.Z.
June the tenth
Dear Mrs B:
I shall certainly accept your invitation to dine this evening. Will you excuse my poor bridge?
Yours,
X.Y.Z.
June the twelfth
Dear Mrs B:
I have taken you at your word and have secured a couple of seats for that revue you wanted to see.
You won’t break your promise about coming, will you?
If you care about it, we might go on to supper somewhere afterwards and dance.
X.Y.Z.
June the fourteenth
Dear A,
Do you really mean I may call you A? And did you mean one or two other things you said last night? Whether you meant them or not, I want to thank you for a marvellous evening. I was so happy, I don’t believe I ever apologized for my atrocious dancing! Thank you.
X
June the seventeenth
Dear A,
Sorry! I know I behaved like a bear on the telephone, but I was so wretchedly disappointed that you could not manage to come out, after all. Will you ever forgive me? Of course I understand. May I come round some time tomorrow?
X
June the nineteenth
I’m glad you put me off that evening, because if you hadn’t rung me up to tell me so, and if I hadn’t been rude over the telephone, then I should never have come round to see you this afternoon.
Why were you so wonderful to me? Perhaps you were merely taking pity on a poor dull dog arrived from the ends of the earth! I don’t think ever in my life I have been able to talk to anyone as I have to you.
You made me feel as though things really are worth while; that there is more to look forward to in life than a dreary plantation surrounded by coolies. D’you know, I’ll make a confession to you. Out in China I used to go to Charlie’s place merely to look at the photograph of you that he had hanging over his desk.
In a way, I believe I idolized it; I could not believe that there really existed anyone so lovely. And then, when I came over here and knew I was going to meet you for the first time, I felt as nervous and shy as any schoolboy?
When I saw you – well, I could go on for pages and pages just describing how you looked and what I felt. But what’s the use? You would probably throw it unread into the wastepaper basket, and who would blame you!? You must be sick and tired of all the men who tell you you are beautiful. Can we be friends, though — real friends?
X
June the twenty-second
My dear,
I explained myself badly on the telephone this morning. I called round at once after you rang off, but your maid told me you had already gone out? You did not understand what I meant about this evening. It’s only that it’s so marvellous talking to you that I feel as though the hours were somehow wasted by going to a theatre! Yes, I agree; I am idiotic and unreasonable. Somehow, I had imagined us dining somewhere quietly in Soho — and then perhaps going back to your house. But of course I will do anything you want.
Incidentally, I forgot to tell you that I am moving from this hotel. The service is bad and there seems to be no privacy. I’m thinking of taking a furnished apartment. But we will talk about that this evening.You aren’t angry with me, are you?
X
June the twenty-third
A,
What am I to say? What can you think of me?
I am so desperately ashamed of myself. No; there is no excuse, of course. I must have been mad? I never went back to the hotel after I left you. I’ve been walking about all night, miserable and out of my mind.
It is impossible for you to imagine my agony of reproach. I don’t know if for one moment you can understand what it means for someone who has spent three lonely, uncivilized years, living like a savage among other savages, to find himself all at once treated as a human being by a lovely and adorable woman like yourself. It proved too much for me — too intoxicating.
Yes, I lost my head; I behaved as I should never dreamed it possible that I could behave. Can’t you see how difficult you made it for me? No; how should you? You were gentle; you were wonderful; you were you. I am to blame entirely. I will do any mortal thing if only you will try to forget what I said.
I swear to you solemnly by all I hold most dear that I will never make love to you again. Never? never?
We will start once more at the beginning. My dear, I want to be your friend: somebody you feel you can trust; someone with whom you can relax?
Words? words? How can I explain? A, is there a chance of my being forgiven? A word from you will rouse me from my present depths of desolation. I shall be waiting all day, in case. Forgive me.
X
June the twenty-fifth
When I heard your voice on the telephone, I trembled so that I could hardly answer! Absurd, isn’t it? But none of that matters now. The only thing that matters is that you have forgiven me, and we are friends again. It is all right, isn’t it? We are friends, aren’t we? Yes; let’s drive into the country tomorrow to some little place miles from anywhere, and talk and talk. I have so much to tell you.
Bless you,
X
June the twenty-seventh
A, here are some flowers for you in memory of yesterday. I wonder if you have the remotest idea of what the day meant to me! You said you loved it too. Did you? I can’t forget that little inn by the side of the water, and how we sat there dreaming. I’m so glad the country appeals to you as it does to me. You know, we think alike in most things. In some ways, my dear, your brain is most extraordinarily like that of a man. You see straight; you don’t muddle your ideas — and you have such a sense of values. And then on the other hand, you are perhaps the most feminine person imaginable.
I have taken the apartment I told you about. The sitting room wants only one thing now — your photograph?
Yes, I’ll call for you this evening at ten, and we’ll go some place and dance. It will be perfect, of course.
Wear your green dress, will you? I saw some beads exactly that colour. May I bring them for you?
X
July the first
A, darling, it’s no good, I couldn’t help myself. You looked so lovely. I’m not made of iron, but flesh and blood. What am I going to do about it? I value your friendship more than anything in the world, but why aren’t you old and ugly? It would be so much easier for me. You like me a little bit, don’t you? Or don’t you? I don’t know what I’m writing. When am I going to see you?
X
July the fifth
My darling, you made me so absurdly happy last night. I can’t believe they are true — the things you said. You told me you liked orchids. Here are all the orchids I could find.
I’ll rob every hothouse in England if you want me to. I’ll do anything you want, give you anything you want — if only you’ll let me see you every day.
I won’t ask for much in return — just to be allowed to sit at your feet and worship. Nothing more than that.
You’re lovely, lovely, lovely.
X
July the seventh
I can’t exist like this. I tell you it’s impossible. You’re driving me insane. You let me see you, and then you expect me to stand like a dummy without senses.
I’ve been at the telephone all day and have had no answer from you. Where were you and whom were you with?
Oh! Yes, laugh at me, I don’t care. Of course, I agree I have no right to ask you questions? When you laugh like that I want to strangle you — then I want to love you.
I must see you.
X
July the eighth
3 A.M.
Beloved,
It’s absurd to write to you, isn’t it, after this evening? The room is full of you still. I can’t think of anything else. I know now that I have been waiting all my life for this. Sleep well. God bless you. Take care of yourself.
Do you love me?
X
July the ninth
Sweet,
Of course it’s all right. Expecting you this afternoon between five and six.
X
July the tenth
My darling,
No: come tomorrow. You must, you must! I can’t wait for you until Saturday, not after yesterday.
Couldn’t we possibly lunch somewhere first, and then come back here afterwards?
Please! I love you so much.
X
July the fifteenth
Beloved,
Your maid answered the telephone this morning when you were out, so I disguised my voice and gave another name. Couldn’t we go out into the country? You remember that little place we went to in June, by the water? Then after luncheon we could stroll in those woods? They look very lonely and deserted.
Say yes, will you??
Your
X
July the nineteenth
What about four o’clock?
X
July the twentieth
My dearest,
I think we had better go to the other place, it’s quieter. Besides, there are two entrances. What bad luck, your knowing the fellow who lives here in the same block! We’ll have to be careful.
X
July the twenty-first
Angel,
Very well; I’ll pick you up tomorrow outside your club. Leave the car parked outside with the hood up, and I’ll sit inside and wait for you. I suggest we go to the country again. There’s less chance of running across anyone.
By the way, I’ve found out that the fellow you know is out all day, doesn’t get back until the evening, so we needn’t worry about him when we’re at the apartment.
I don’t know how to wait until tomorrow.
You know that question you asked me? The answer is Yes — a thousand times!
You are adorable!
X
July the twenty-fifth
Yes, I know I was nervy and irritable today. You must forgive me. But seeing you as I do, at odd hours, makes me dissatisfied. I don’t know. It’s as though I wanted to be with you all the time. Couldn’t we go away somewhere, for the weekend? Some place where we could be by ourselves. We would be very careful; no one need ever find out. What do you think, my sweet?
Your
X
July the twenty-seventh
Angel,
But you are marvellous! What a brilliant idea! I should never have thought of a sick friend in Devonshire! Yes; you can rely on me to be discreet. I’ll be at Paddington at a quarter to eleven.
X
August the fifth
My beloved Sweet,
I haven’t dared ring you up in case it should seem odd. These few days with you have been so marvellous, so utterly unspeakable. Darling, I don’t know how I am going to go on as we did before.
Those wretched, hurried meetings after the hours we spent together. I’m so happy and so miserable. I’ll wait at the apartment all day in case you should come.
Your own
X
August the seventh
Yesterday was heaven. What time tomorrow? I think the afternoons are safest.
X
August the twelfth
Dearest,
What about suggesting your idea and seeing how it is taken? After all, if you are in the habit of going to Aix every year for this cure, why should it look strange suddenly? You can say you are tired of Aix itself and have heard of a smaller place just as good but not nearly so expensive. That is sure to go well! You see, sweet, I could go out there about the nineteenth and you could join me a few days later? Anyway, there’s no harm in trying, and you can tell me tomorrow what happened.
See you after seven.
X
August the fourteenth
My own,
To think that it will really come true — that we shall be together night and day for three weeks, perhaps a month. It’s too wonderful, my precious; it’s like a dream out of which one will be wakened suddenly.
Tell me you are happy, too. Hours and hours of each other, and nothing to separate us. I’m never going to stop loving you for one single instant.
Your very own,
X
August the twentieth
I’m just off, sweet. I’m so excited! Three days of agony until you follow me South — and then?
X
September the twenty-sixth
Darling,
I arrived back in town about two hours ago. I can scarcely believe we’ve been away a month? Thank you for your sweet letter? When am I going to see you?
X
September the twenty-ninth
My darling,
It was lovely being with you all yesterday. It was almost as though we were down in the South again. And the little inn by the river was just the same as ever, wasn’t it?
Now, dearest, about our seeing each other. We must be terribly careful because if our names get coupled and people start talking, and it all came out about our being away together — well, you can imagine what would happen. We had better go very slowly at first. You do understand, don’t you? It’s all for your sake.
X
October the fourth
Yes darling, come along if you like between six and seven, but do remember not to bring the car. Sorry about not having telephoned. I thought it safer.
X
October the ninth
Dearest,
Wouldn’t you rather do a theatre and dance afterwards than spend the evening here? I mean, there’s always the chance of your being seen.
I’ve heard the new Wallace play is a thrill. What do you say? Let me know so that I can get seats.
X
October the twelfth
Sweetheart,
You mustn’t be so unreasonable. You don’t seem to understand what the consequences would be if we were found out. I’ve thought it all over very carefully from every angle, and it would be hopeless — quite hopeless?
You know I want to see you as much as you want to see me, but it’s no use running into danger. You were in a difficult mood yesterday, and deliberately misunderstood every word I said. I don’t mean to be hard, but you do see, don’t you? Come for luncheon tomorrow and we’ll talk?
All love,
X
October the sixteenth
Sorry, darling, I was out when you telephoned, and didn’t get back till late, so couldn’t ring you. Was your message for dinner on Thursday? I can’t manage Thursday, darling. What about Friday afternoon? We might go to a picture. Do remember to ring me up from your club and not from your house. Servants might be listening. Haven’t you any sense of discretion? See you soon.
X
October the twenty-fourth
Darling,
Don’t you realize it would be madness to go away for the week-end? Surely we’ve been over that question time and time again. We’ve only to take a wrong turn and the whole affair is broadcast to the world. To say we did so in July is no answer to the present argument.
It’s absurd to say I’m different. I’m just the same as ever. I wish you wouldn’t be so feminine and unreasonable. You don’t see straight at all, darling.
By the way, the price they asked for that necklace was sheer robbery. Perhaps we can find something else. I’ll ring you up at the end of the week.
X
October the twenty-ninth
Isn’t it rather cold for the country? Let’s have luncheon Saturday instead.
X
October the thirty-first
Here are some chrysanthemums for you. Of course I love you. But you mustn’t behave in that absurd way again, darling, or I shall be very angry. I can’t bear scenes. See you Monday.
X
November the fifth
Darling,
I’m afraid this week is very difficult. I’ve got loads of things that must be done. I might be able to snatch an hour on Thursday. Keep the afternoon free.
In haste,
X
November the ninth
My dear,
Why must you spoil everything? I was perfectly ready to enjoy our afternoon together, and you needs must cross-question me as though you expected every word I said to be a lie? What’s to be the outcome of it? Is it always to be this incessant quarrelling whenever we meet? It looks that way, doesn’t it? And why this new thing of jealousy? It’s ridiculous and nerve-wracking. Can’t we be friends without all this nonsense?
X
November the thirteenth
All right. Wednesday at one. But don’t come to the apartment. I’ll meet you at the Savoy.
X
November the sixteenth
Just a line to say I can’t manage tomorrow night, after all. So sorry not to let you know before. Will ring the club tomorrow.
X
November the eighteenth
A, dear,
I should be glad if you would cease spying on my movements. If I chose to spend the evening talking business with a friend it’s my affair entirely. Remember this once and for all. Aren’t you making yourself slightly ridiculous?
Yours,
X
November the twentieth
My dear A,
I received your extremely incoherent message on the telephone but scarcely know what it is all about. I accept your apologies, but need we go into that?
About seeing you — I can’t definitely say when. I have so many things to see to. I will try to let you know.
X
November the twenty-fourth
Dear A,
How ridiculous you are! As if I should disguise my voice on the telephone. It was the servant who answered. I was out all day. No, I’m afraid I shan’t be able to see you this evening. I’ll let you know when I can.
X
November the twenty-seventh
Dear A,
Why not be frank with yourself and admit that it isn’t because you have messages to send to Charles that you want to see me? I know only too well that it will mean another scene of reproach, more tears, more nerves.
I’ve had enough. Can’t you realize that it’s finished?
I shan’t be able to breathe until I get out of this over-civilized, oversexed country, back to the peace and security of my plantation. Now you know the truth.
Good-by.
X
Telephone message sent December first to Mrs B:
'Mr X.Y.Z. sailed for China today.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)